Thursday, 27 March 2008

MUSLIM HYPOCRISY EXPOSED THROUGH MECCA BOOKMAKERS!

Followers of Islam, supposedly, disapprove of gambling. So, why then are there ‘Mecca’ bookmakers? Is there a hidden agenda behind the ‘veiled’ ambiguity in praying Muslims having to face Mecca? I bet there is. However, I hope this statement doesn’t set me at ‘odds’ with the Muslim community, or I’ll have to move in with Salman Rushdie.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

ROGER FEDERER’S FEET OF CLAY! ANDY MURRAY MAKES A MINT OUT OF FEDERER’S OPEN DOUBTS ABOUT THE FRENCH OPEN.

The world’s #1 tennis player, Roger Federer has always struggled to make an impression playing on clay courts. A surface on which rival, and world ranked #2; Rafael Nadal exhibits supremacy with seeming ease. Meanwhile, without having distinguished himself on grass, clay or hard courts particularly, Britain’s top player, Andy Murray has capitalised on his two back-to-back victories over a recently vulnerable appearing Federer; attracting speculative articles across the sports pages about his future potential. Said articles are reminiscent of the misguided optimism that used to exaggerate former top Brit, Tim Henman’s abilities and chances of winning Wimbledon. Murray, a Scot mysteriously referred to as a Brit, has only recently stopped being sick when forced to play five sets and—like hapless Henman before him—has only one realistic chance of winning Wimbledon, and that is if it’s raffled off.

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

DRAWING #3

MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

By Julian Cloran.
Examining how people talk so much and say so little.

If you say, ‘tap water,’ it’s assumed you refer to a running source of some kind—i.e. a kitchen sink, or a bath. Who would react as though, instead, it described a tactile operation like touching the keypad of a mobile phone? No one rational, surely. Even cretins appear capable, on a regular basis, of recognising when it is inappropriate to take language literally. This recognition process involves the surrender or absence of imagination and takes place automatically during conventional social interaction, facilitating the mutual convenience of those using words to address each other, while, at the same time, nullifying our potential—as people—to develop our powers of expression and enhance our communicative skills.
Language succeeded grunting as a tool, which is frequently misused today. As ‘bad workmen blame their tools,’ so, too, poor communicators blame the limitations of language (in so doing clutching at a straw of a tenuously conceptual nature) for their personal verbal shortcomings. They are not inarticulate; ‘it’ can’t be put in words!
The mundane swapping of (often-insincere) pleasantries and clich├ęd phrases, as formulaic as the situations they are employed throughout, is responsible for the typical disengagement of the minds creating them, who involve themselves in daily dialogues of a trivial nature, yet, seemingly ritualistic importance. The neurotic compulsion to expel air vocally with others, however unnecessarily, reveals that the emotional needs of people are no more sophisticated than those of sheep.
If ‘talk is cheap,’ we sow as we will subsequently reap when—unthinking—we are verbal spendthrifts! Say what you mean and mean what you say, before your mind drifts. Think, atleast, before you link together the words your mouth will utter in making contributions to usually forgettable conversations that are unoriginal, conveying nothing apart from their participants’ inability to transcend their social conditioning.
Why bother creating sound waves devoid of legitimate content or meaning? It almost parodies peacocks’ narcissistic preening, but atleast when they display their tales it’s impressive. Conversely, the predictable related tales of people, too often, reveals a boring depressive.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

2 RHETORICAL QUESTIONS

Q1: DID ROGER BANISTER PRACTISE FOR THE FOUR-MINUTE MILE BY RUNNING UP HIS STAIRS?
Q2: IF PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, WHY AREN’T PRACTISING CHRISTIANS PERFECT?

Thursday, 13 March 2008

PUGILISTIC PUNS AND PUNCH LINES

The boxers, who attended a church wedding, thought the usher was being funny with them when they asked him where they should sit. The usher flipped through pages of alphabetically listed seating arrangements before he announced, ‘You’re on my pew G list.’

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

DAVID CAMERON

‘Where’s my camera gone?’ asks David Cameron.
Filmed by the TV crew with their camera on.
‘However cold a politician gets,’ a reporter quips, while David frets,
‘They’ll never die of exposure!’

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

NO MAN'S LAND

NO MAN’S LAND
No Man’s Land is rather bland,
And a negative place to be.
Populated solely by women,
It’s nowhere near the sea.


CULINARY COITUS COUPLETS: A & B
(A):
He made her pant in the pantry,
She made him harder in the larder.

(B):
He disrobed in the wardrobe,
She got her kit off in the kitchen.

Thursday, 6 March 2008

ANTI-OAP RANT

Pub-guide-dogs slogs with their owners…
(Who are) inevitably crotchety, boozy old moaners,
Noted for their blurry reminiscences and frequent misnomers,
Their breath (the dog owners) is tangibly offensive in any post office queue,
‘Mustn’t grumble,’ is their catchphrase, and one that is untrue,
For, collectively, slowing others down while they moan is all they do.
They’re scared of dying and reported crime,
They hate the weather, especially during wintertime,
They claim they’re poor, but not ‘like they were in the war,’
They get most things cheap or free, so why must they bore?
With their rants about ‘the old days,’ more than sixty years ago,
They always seem to tell the folk who never want to know.
Comparing medical symptoms is something else they like to do,
Their competitive suffering’s sad and sick—it makes me want to spew.
Why don’t they stay in then, if they’re really at death’s door?
Then I wouldn’t have to listen to them anymore.
They hate the young; they think they’re spoiled,
Like their smelly, cabbagey food that’s over-boiled.
Things were different in their day,
You hear, like a mantra, they say.
Nobody has any respect for them; the world’s a hostile hell,
With kiddie terrorists running wild, there’s no one they can tell.
The police won’t touch them, nor will their teachers,
Because they’re monstrous, drug-fuelled creatures.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY WRESTLER?
A: THE GRAPPLING IRON.

Q: WHICH HAND TOOL CAN DANCE?
A: A JIGSAW.

Q: WHAT TYPE OF PUZZLE GETS MISTAKEN FOR A DANCING HAND TOOL?
A: A JIGSAW.

Q: WHAT ARE HIGH COURT JUDGES’ THIGHS CALLED?
A: A LAP OF HONOUR.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

ELVIS HELPS THE HOMELESS!

Elvis Presley, back from the dead, buys a copy of the Big Issue.
Finding the pages are torn and defaced, he does an about turn singing:
‘Return to Vendor’…
When the King seizes hold of him, the Big Issue seller sneezes,
So, mirthfully, Elvis offers him a, ‘Big tissue, big tissue.’
‘Say, fella,’ Elvis asks him. ‘Do ya roam less when you’re homeless?’
His cruel wit scored a direct hit,
When he sang ‘Whole Lotta Shakin’,’ to an epileptic.
Later, he staged a concert at Beachy Head called ‘The Quiff on the Cliff.’
He’d toyed with the idea of bleaching his hair and becoming ‘Bleachy’ Head,
But, to the relief of his fans, retained his familiar image instead.