DRUSILLAS PARK

The artist who was obsessed with Cilla Black
Took up residence in Drusillas Park where, night and day,
He produced images of the late Scouse singer—even in the dark!
Like many artists, commercial success eluded him,
But he found recognition of a sort becoming widely known as the man
Who drew Cillas in Drusillas, for sport.

Cilla Black enjoyed a long career,
Singing less often as time passed,
But always grinning from ear to ear.
The red-headed warbler who ended up presenting the TV show ‘Blind Date’
Was typical of the mediocrity the critics love to hate.
No bad reviews diminished her popularity even the slightest bit,
One can always rely on the British public to cherish the tritest shit.

For the fixated artist of Drusillas, Cilla was an idol second to none.
Although, ironically, the park was visited one day, by Billy Idol, after a nun.
The artist’s adulation, pouring his heart into his work
Indicates how channelling his obsession saved him from going completely berserk.
Until, one day, he took his own life with precision and a palette knife,
Which he used to carve the initials: C. B into both of his carotid arteries!

Rich Seamfinder.

HABERDASHERY MULLET, ARTIST, DIES AT 40

The artist, Haberdashery Mullet has died at the age of forty. He had taken his own life using a palette knife to gouge out both his carotid arteries. His body was found in the early hours of Friday morning in the grounds of Drusillas Park, where he had lived and worked—obsessively producing mixed media images of Cilla Black—for over twenty years.

  Born in Godalming in 1977, little is known of Haberdashery’s early years or schooling. He always claimed to be a self-taught artist and first came to public attention in his twenties, when the national media took an interest in his eccentric lifestyle, largely as a result of his run-ins with the police and law courts over his adoption of Drusillas Park as his residence and full-time studio.

  Although Haberdashery’s artistic career had all the hallmarks of a resounding failure in his lifetime, he was fondly regarded by many visitors to Drusillas. Now, his sudden death is likely to stimulate a revival of interest in his work from the art world. There are believed to exist in the region of 13, 000 mixed-media images of Cilla Black—the object of Haberdashery’s bizarre lifelong obsession—scattered across Drusillas Park.

  A spokesperson for the Saatchi and Yeti Gallery, in Soho, said: ‘If Cilla Black could accrue considerable personal wealth on the strength of her talents, it is not implausible to imagine that a series of works by a (soon to be) well-publicised, dead, destitute/eccentric, fetching a respectable sum in the wake of an aggressive marketing campaign.’

Haberdashery Mullet—artist and Cilla Black fan.

Born 24^th of Dec. 1977—Died 16^th of Dec. 2016.

Anji Noracull.

DOCTORS AGAINST DIESEL ROCKS HOLLYWOOD

The British Medical Association has issued a statement clarifying the position of ‘Doctors Against Diesel’ in an attempt to appease Hollywood star, Vin Diesel.

The BMA says in the statement that: ‘No one in the medical profession wishes to offend the famous actor. Their issue is an environmental one,’ it emphasises.

The statement follows rumours fuelled by unidentified mischievous elements seeking to capitalise on the macho actor’s potentially hurt feelings.

A spokesperson for a group who are currently speculating on the amount of concern Riddick star, Diesel may have as a result of a possible misunderstanding about medically qualified anti-pollution groups said: ‘Vin Diesel looks tough, but if he felt there is a group of British doctors who are against him, he might take it personally and suffer from lowered self-esteem.’

Sources close to Hollywood have indicated that the bizarre situation has cinematic possibilities. Perhaps the public will see a release in which ‘VD’ visits UK hospitals on a systematic killing and mutilation spree involving large numbers of doctors.