WARWICKSHIRE POST
AND GAZETTE: Letting people in WARWICKSHIRE KNOW
EST. 2015.
Ed. RICH SEAMFINDEr
NUN EATEN IN NUNEATON
By
our Warwick Affairs correspondent, Delia Probes.
Shocking reports have reached us here
at the Warwickshire Gazette and Post of a sick cannibal preying on the praying
community in the area neighbouring Nuneaton. Nuneaton itself has long been
stigmatised for the attraction it holds for both bankrupt restauranteurs (and others
from the catering industry who failed miserably) and, no less ironically,
anorexic support groups. Now, it has proved itself the controversial capital of
Warwickshire again with the discovery of the half-eaten remains of a nun
outside a church on the outskirts of the town.
The gruesome discovery was made in the
early hours of yesterday morning by Alan Snoopins, a retired traffic warden
from Coventry, who was on holiday at the time.
‘I woke at the crack of dawn,
yesterday,’ Mr Snoopins, 70, said. ‘The toilet in the B&B was blocked, so I
decided to go for a walk. I was about ten minutes away from the B&B when I
saw a church that looked pretty. Only, on closer inspection, I discovered it
was anything but…’
To his horror, on the pathway leading
to the church of St Botolph’s, in Credence Lane, Mr Snoopins saw a pack of
Alsatian dogs fighting over the remains of a nun.
‘To my horror, I saw a pack of dogs,
Alsatians they were, all fighting over this poor nun’s dead body.’
Nauseated, Mr Snoopins immediately
alerted the police.
Det. Chief Inspector Alan Mason praised
Mr Snoopins for his public-spirited response to what he described as ‘an
atrocious end to a nun.’ DCI Mason, who heads what, is now a murder case, has
issued the following statement:
‘Thanks to the public-spirited actions
of a retired holidaymaker, police are now investigating the suspicious death of
a nun, found by the holidaymaker being eaten by a pack of dogs. The dogs
themselves were quickly ruled out as the prime suspects in the case as
forensics revealed the time of death as some hours previous to their unsightly
feast. Further clues point to the perpetrator possibly being male, with a
fixation about nuns specifically, or uniformed women in general. Most
disturbingly, the number of bite marks on what remained of her body that could
not be blamed on the dogs could suggest she was cannibalised.’
The nun has been identified as Sister
Veronica Barnacle, from Coventry’s Convent for the Piety and Purification of
Our Lady’s Humble Servants. She was aged 55, and believed to have been visiting
Father Brawny McGuigan at St. Botolph’s to discuss an inter-diocese funding of
a local charities event.
Father McGuigan’s reaction to the
police statement was one of ‘complete shock and the deepest revulsion.’ He
simply ‘could not imagine,’ he said, ‘what type of monstrous being would do
such an appalling thing to a sweet little nun like Sister Veronica. Despite his
vocation, Father Brawny spoke of his incredulity over the news. ‘It’s hard to
believe, I pray to God for help in understanding the depravity of such a
person’s warped psyche. Killing a nun’s bad enough, but then eating her? I pray
to God this sick man doesn’t make a habit out of it.’
