Friday, 19 September 2014


Drawing pins that can't draw.
Lifts that don't improve your mood.
Pills that are hard to swallow.
Directions that are hard to follow.
Obsolete phone directories.
One half of a walkie-talkie set.
A wet seat on a bus.
A greasy handshake.
A close-range conversation with a halitosis sufferer.
Enforced close proximity to smelly people.
Enforced close proximity to boring people.
The frequent repetition of familiar, boring stories of great length.
Having to repeat things.
Having to rephrase things.
Having to repeat rephrased things.
Contemporary pop stars shelf lives.
Footballers’ verbal skills.
The ageing process.
The visibility of the ageing process’ in our childhood heroes.
Gainful employment.
First times—especially drinking and having sex (with someone else).
Mainstream culture.
The sequels to box-office smash hit movies.
Enthusiastic bagpipe players.
TV ads for PPI.
TV ads for life and car insurance.
TV ads for compensation after an accident.
The money you actually receive in post-accident compensation.
Typical British sporting careers under close examination.
Politicians’ promises, actions and inaction.
Repeats of Only Fools and Horses.
David Jason’s acting.
Reportage of celebrity deaths.
Reportage of crises in the Middle East.
Papal elections.
Oscar winners.
TV ads appealing for just £2 a month.
Media coverage of the monarchy.
Facial expressions of newsreaders imparting news of a royal pregnancy or birth.
The succession of countries invaded by the US.
The UK’s consistent support for US invasions.
The collective short-term memory of the general public.
The collective taste of the general public.
The number of times the daleks are featured in Dr Who.
Public surprise at political corruption.
Public surprise at the obvious.
The relentless inefficiency of the NHS.
The widespread economic slavery of people who consider themselves to be free,
Their complicity in their enslavement.
The childlike obsessive consumerism ruling materialists’ lives.
The omnipresence of shitty products created by popular demand.
The overuse of mobile phones.
The general restlessness and discomfort so visibly afflicting so many people.
The absence of peace and quiet.
The proliferation of litter.
Bad manners.
The life expectancy of non-productive people.
Terraced housing.
Announcements of ‘breakthroughs’ in cancer treatment.
Cancer research.
Contemporary teenage expectations.
The conspicuous absence of sparrows.
Increased volumes of English rain.
Overpricing in UK pubs.
The uniformity of UK cities’ shopping malls.
TV programmes of lists of things presented by non-entities.
TV programmes of clips of things presented by and commented on by non-entities.
The absence of a sequel to the movie Titanic.
The fact that the movie ‘The King’s Speech’ wasn’t made in 3D.
The prevalence of diabetes.
The commonness of obesity.
England’s performances in World Cups.
Excuses offered for England’s performances in World Cups.
The sustained hopes of die-hard English fans.
The relationship between Sky TV and UK pubs.
The relationship between the wealthiest, most powerful people and the media.
The widespread public paranoia about Islamic extremists.
The Daily Mail.
Readers of The Daily Mail.
The Daily Express.
Readers of The Daily Express.
Token eccentrics, in communities and contemporary culture.
Christmas viewing on TV.
The number of times Kipling is quoted.
And Churchill.
And Oscar Wilde.
Mass-mesmerism by the media.
The collective lack of non-material aspirations by the materially acquisitive.
Human arrogance.
Animal exploitation on every conceivable level.
The availability of IVF for mothers who’ve had three or more children…