THE WORST VAMPIRE IN THE WORLD

The world’s worst, certainly most inappropriate, vampire is a blood donor!
When he looks in a mirror he sees his shadow,
While his reflection follows him everywhere.
He loves sunbathing and when night falls he sleeps like a log.
He is so averse to danger—to it he is a stranger,
The only occasion when the stakes were high was once inside a bookie’s.
He really wasn’t cut out for a life of vampirism,
In fact, he had false teeth!
The idea of him biting anyone’s neck was quite beyond belief.
Blood-sucking suits certain creatures, he reasons, like mosquitos,
But he prefers sinking his teeth into Doritos.
Other vampires would look down on him, perhaps,
Or maybe they would pity him, thinking he is dim.
How could they suggest that he, at least, got started?
By advising him to prey on haemophiliacs who bleed copiously when targeted?
In the absence of proper guidance, his blood consumption avoidance continued,
With no close friends or family,
No one to make sense of the expression ‘blood is thicker than water,’
He is definitely no vampire but still he feels confused,
Especially by the erections he gets when he sees skin that’s contused.
He reads Dracula and watches Buffy the Vampire Slayer with curiosity and detachment,
Associating with Goths in an attempt to find his true self,
His dreams feature being buried alive in a coffin on a dim shelf,
While scenes from Nosferatu are projected onto walls dripping with blood,
He wakes with the foul taste of clichés in his mouth and to the sound of a loud thud.
His eyes, tired and bloodshot, disguise little of his inner torment,
This strongly appeals a girl, who is about his age, he finds himself with at around this stage.
For her, discombobulated vampires are all the rage,
The relationship is an exciting new chapter for him and she is a brand new page,
One I shall leave unturned at this point because I am bored with this poem.