THE DISTURBED FAN

I sent Geoff Capes grapes, but did he say, ‘Thanks a bunch’?

He did not.

Perhaps he forgot or perhaps he’d already eaten his lunch.

I created a hoax to coax a reply from Robbie Williams,

Sending mocked-up photographs of him with Liza Minelli in a restaurant to the tabloid press,

But instead of the ‘MINELLI-YUM’ headlines I expected,

My press release was ignored and I felt quite dejected.

I told Madonna I was mad on ’er, which I hoped would make her smile,

I’m still awaiting her response and I’ve been waiting for a while.

I wrote to Donald Trump and pointed out that his surname, in US English, is slang for a fart,

But if he got wind of my joke, he ignored it the rude bloke.

I tried to enhance John Travolta’s style of dance with some moves of my own,

Getting his reaction to my You Tube film was like getting blood from a stone.

Macaulay Culkin must be sulking,

Despite my praise for all of his films, he too leaves me alone.

As for Lulu and the guy in Star Trek who played Lieutenant Sulu,

I might as well have written to them in Ancient Greek or Zulu.

I like the stars, why can’t they see it really hurts that they don’t like me?

It’s fans like me, who make them the people they are,

While they swan about in limos, I can’t afford a car.

I don’t know why I’m bothering, but I’m going to send Pamela Anderson my hand-knitted, scented bra.