US of Eh?

Larry had known a Harry Zoner, from Arizona, unless this was Larry’s misnomer.

Miss Lay, the prostitute with a tray, served up sex on a plate.

Miss Hap was too clumsy to grant sexual favours and usually too late…

Larry, in a room with mates, ruminates,

Chews the cud with cowboys, now toys with stewing some mud.

Hud the stud was hung like a horse; he was an indolent drunk, ill mannered and coarse.

Cody Walton had joined the police force,

He looked swollen in his uniform but thought he looked swell.

Folk went to Doc Moses when they felt unwell—a quack who prescribed the wrong drugs all the time because he couldn’t spell.

Larry’s first wife, Wanda, had been a conjurer’s assistant,

In a leotard and black tights, she flounced about on stage,

She thrilled Larry with her cleavage, her Southern accent and her age.

She died a year after their wedding of a pickled onion overdose,

Which Larry found tragic and gross.

Next, he married the daughter of an Amish porter,

On the condition that he taught her everything he knew.

Despite how little he subsequently imparted their love soon grew,

Until, one night, she eloped with Morrie Schindler—the amorous Jew.

A bachelor ever since, Larry tries to convince his peers that he doesn’t consort with queers,

After a rumour that started with Larry’s look-alike in a gay bar drinking too many beers,

Spotted by a nosey parker neighbour who frequently—it appears—is a shit stirrer.

Yukio Itsopushi, the Jap who made his cash from crap, beats Larry at backgammon and simple games like snap.

When they meet at the local residents’ club, Yukio seems sarky offering Larry saki, but Larry doesn’t mind.

After all, Yukio being the fatter of the two, Larry can afford to be kind,

Congratulating the overweight Oriental on the pile he’s made out of manure.

Judge Maloney was long retired, but everyone called him Judge,

It was a cosy habit from which they would not budge.

‘Maloney’s Baloney’ was an ill-judged effort by the judge to run a delicatessen,

His poor judgement meant poor Judge.

Folk thought him a fool, but Larry refused to budge,

Anyone can make a mistake—that was his verdict, though maybe he should have given it a trial run.

It was immaterial when Judge killed himself while cleaning his favourite gun.

Larry insisted it was an accident when confronted by Mahoney’s son,

But, later, would hide in his shed to confide—with an odd pride—the widespread belief that it was suicide.

At sixty-three, with an arthritic knee and lumbago, Larry suffers from a coronary.

So we’ll say goodbye to Larry.