Monday, 26 November 2007



The late Thora Hird, to me, sounded like a gland in the neck,
‘Ple-’Thora Hird evokes the image of a Hird multitude,
A herd of her, so to speak,
While only one was required to advertise stair lifts,
Which good old Thora regularly did.

Thora Hird, so I’ve heard, became a byword,
For pensioners who were too stubborn to live in bungalows.
Defrosting frozen cattle Thora Hird thawed a herd,
With the breath that propelled her relentless prattle.

I wonder had she heard of Thor, the Norse God of thunder?
Whose mighty hammer, Molinar, with a single blow could rent all things asunder.
Thor flew through the air with the aid of Molinar, magical tool;
His wrist inside a sturdy strap at the base of the handle,
His blond locks protruding from his Viking’s horned helmet—looking cool.

If Thor hurled Molinar at a target, it would always return,
Like a boomerang, to his grasp.
Thora Hird’s wrinkled neck, adorned with a string of pearls,
Was all she would, customarily, clasp,
While extolling the virtues of stair lifts with her gravelly rasp,
If Thor had taken her upstairs, instead, that would have made her gasp.

Monday, 19 November 2007


A man, who’d written a startling letter to his local paper, claiming he was being persecuted by a malicious elephant, was squashed to death by one as he attempted posting the letter. The man, in his forties, left his flat yesterday afternoon, around three o’clock, clutching an envelope containing detailed lists of a pachyderm’s persecution over the preceding months. Intending to mail his claims to local press, only to be pressed locally by an elephant believed to running away from its zoo to join a circus, the man was killed instantly. Police are not treating the bizarre death as suspicious. ‘It seems perfectly natural this man’s death resulted from being crushed below an elephant,’ a police spokesperson said. ‘Elephants are extremely heavy.’
A pair of smooth, shiny spheres was later seen, in the vicinity of the squashing, by several witnesses, who described the mysterious way the spheres ‘behaved’. ‘The way they bounced back and forth was odd,’ one witness attested. ‘They seemed smug, almost righteous!’
‘I think the balls saw justice was done,’ said someone else. ‘It’s like; somehow, they are ‘just’ balls!’

The man revealed as killed by an elephant, ironically on Pancake Day, was said to have sought the company of mice—creatures he collected in their hundreds, surrounding himself with them as pets come bodyguards—in the belief their presence could induce fear in elephants, serving as deterrents to the trunk-adorned source of his strange phobia.
The delusional man is believed to be a former member of the Royal family. The deceased man, who cannot be named for regal (sic) reasons, was rumoured to have asked to squeak (sic) to senior zoologists concerning his exhaustively documented account of an elephant’s campaign of hatred towards him, but, tragically died before sharing his sensational story—crushed by an elephant, mere inches from a pillar-box, he planned using! The letter the late phobic failed to send was delivered posthumously by Royal Mail, who declined to comment on the royal male status widely attributed to the madman prior to his death.
Several sightings of sanctimonious spheres, apparently, ‘gloating as they’re floating,’ according to one eyewitness, have also been linked to the strange incident. Eyewitness accounts describe a pair, or more, of ‘smug’ balls.

Monday, 5 November 2007


Al Pacino's Chinos, he knows, are his lower limbs' cladding, keeping his legs concealed.
Like some ancient byelaw (especially unrepealed), Pacino's legs are seldom revealed,
But to deny they exist would be silly, so please resist impulses to deny,
His legs lie below his waist, just because in his Chinos they are encased.
Think on--as an outstanding actor, performing on his feet,
His many roles were obviously leg-based,
Making their existence a fact that must be faced!