Sunday, 23 December 2012
Timmy and Bradley Gates were seven and eight-years-old respectively. With the gaps in their front teeth revealed when their mouths opened, to shrilly emit Christmas carols, the brothers looked typically sweet little boys. But they weren’t. They were two psychopaths and the people whose doors they knocked on to sing their carols at who refused to reward the siblings’ singing regretted it. As the evil boys would urinate through their letterboxes or pour petrol instead, which they lit laughing.
On Christmas Eve, the boys were impatiently waiting for Santa Claus in their cosy middle-class home where they lived with their long-suffering, low-IQ parents. The boys had wrapped their parents’ presents, which included a box of chocolates for their mother that they’d emptied of its original contents and substituted with their turds. Among their father’s presents was a butterfly with its wings torn off, tastefully nailed to a blood-stained piece of wood.
After their parents had gone to bed, the boys crept downstairs together. They exchanged a look of insane complicity before separating by the front door. Timmy took a box of matches and went into the lounge to take up his position by the fireplace. Bradley, clutching a club hammer, sneaked outside the house to shin up the drainpipe and up onto the roof where he stood poised behind the chimney. Unsuspecting Santa duly arrived on his reindeer-driven sleigh, from which he plummeted with the grace of a plump pudding and, with a bulging sack over his shoulder, proceeded to climb down the Gates’ chimney. Quick as a flash, like an evil elf, Bradley swung the club hammer and brought it down on Santa’s skull—neatly fracturing it. Meanwhile, at the opposite end of the chimney flue, Timmy had started a raging fire. Mr and Mrs Gates awoke to the horrific sounds of a roasting Santa screaming in agony with severe head injuries trapped in their chimney. Interspersed with Santa’s cries, as he burned alive, were the gleeful chuckles of their sick brat children.
Merry Christmas, Everyone!