Saturday, 24 April 2010


It is better to put things well than put things in a well, where they’d get wet.
You can know full well something’s going on while remaining ignorant of how full a well is.
A successful gambler can win well in Welwyn Garden City without feeling shitty, providing he means well.
Inkwells are old-fashioned and seldom seen nowadays, although there are a few in Staines and Blackpool.
People who ask, ‘Are you keeping well?’ Should, strictly speaking, rephrase the question.
Although I accept they are, generally, well-wishers.
Wishing wells are full of coins but you’d get more money out of oil wells.
One who oils well is unlikely to hear their hinges creak, while painting well in oils falls short of the old masters at their peak.
If you’re ‘welling up’ it means you are close to tears,
Unlike a so-called town crier, who is dry-eyed when he appears.
Well-meaning people don’t mean wells,
Any more than Wells Cathedral is a place of worship for wells.
H. G. Wells wasn’t wells but a writer—still, his words were well chosen.
Ice at the bottom of a well is obviously well frozen.
A bucket dropped to the bottom of an unknown well ‘pails’ into insignificance.
All’s well that ends well is not true for wells.
Oh, well!
There’s no such thing as a well-lit street—wells do not produce a light source.
Equally absurd are the notions of well-built men and well-adjusted children,
Patently, wells are not responsible for a male’s physique or in any way involved with the emotional development of a child.
No doubt many of us are well acquainted with these misleading terms,
People are well advised—not literally—not to take them literally.
The well heeled must find it difficult to walk, however well read they are or well spoken.
As for those who look well preserved, they owe wells no gratitude.
Wells get huge amounts of undeserved credit; something, which I think makes them pretty low.
Ill people don’t literally want to get well soon—it’d be a nuisance and spoil their afternoon.
Anyway, enough’s enough, I’ll finish off now—the subject’s been well covered.

Friday, 9 April 2010


Noah’s ark was worse than his height, Yet when he was gruff he gave folk a fright.
Noah was ignorant of proverbs,
In particular, the one that ascribes greater value to a bird in the hand compared with two in a bush.
During the flood, he demonstrated his ignorance by wasting doves.
Noah’s role at this time is one of the most ludicrous and implausible things described in the Old Testament,
Which is crammed with absurdities and extremes.
Chosen by a voice in his head,
Noah took to an extreme the notion of working in his garden shed.
Eventually emerging to launch a vast marine menagerie,
He managed to keep afloat,
Although at his best his chances were extremely remote.
On the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling,
Michelangelo portrayed Noah getting drunk,
Which seems a fitting way to remember this stupid biblical lunk.